Some of you already know, and others of you have been checking here in hopes of some good news. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the pregnancy tests (two home tests and the blood test done by the doc) have all come back negative.
I took a HPT on Sunday and was seriously devastated. I actually had the nerve to buy one of the digital tests because I thought it would be cute to post the picture of it proudly displaying the word, “Pregnant.” Let me be the first to admit that “Not Pregnant” is decidedly NOT CUTE!
I had to first get mad. I got really mad. I pissed on everyone who was trying to be positive by suggesting that perhaps it was too early. Sorry if you were in my line of fire. I believe one of my nicer responses was, “Sorry, but I’ve had my fill of false hope over the past two weeks. Thanks anyway.” I cried the ugly cry where I gagged and snotted. I got mad at God for forgetting about me. (I know that this isn’t the case, but when you are in the moment, it’s a very lonely place to be.)
Then, I had enough. I came to the realization that perhaps God was listening. There was a reason that these two little embryos didn’t grow. That reason had nothing to do with me. My doctor assures me that everything went perfectly. Some embryos JUST. DON’T. GROW. I have been mourning their loss. Its a hard pill to swallow when you let yourself get so wrapped up in the possibilities. I loved them already. I actually read to them every night.
But, it’s going to be okay.
I have been profoundly blessed with the most wonderful group of family and friends. I have the best fan club a girl could ask for. I can assure you that it wasn’t for lack of prayer or love on anyone’s part, that this didn’t work out. That, I will promise you. There was so much love.
Dr. D suggested that we go right into another cycle, that is, if we are up to it. He says that he doesn’t want to do anything differently this time around and that it makes no difference in pregnancy rates to do back to back cycles. I am a teacher, so being aggressive over the summer works out nicely for me. Plus, I have more snowbabies who need me to grow them. So, of course, I will step up and do it all over again.
I’ve been nursing a broken heart. Now it’s time to nurse my sore hiney and get back into the saddle. Giddeyup. Lupron starts tomorrow.