Negative, aka: The Blog Post I’ve been NOT Wanting to Write

Hi Everyone.

Some of you already know, and others of you have been checking here in hopes of some good news.  If you haven’t figured it out yet, the pregnancy tests (two home tests and the blood test done by the doc) have all come back negative.

I took a HPT on Sunday and was seriously devastated.  I actually had the nerve to buy one of the digital tests because I thought it would be cute to post the picture of it proudly displaying the word, “Pregnant.”  Let me be the first to admit that “Not Pregnant” is decidedly NOT CUTE!

Just because I needed a laugh. A little disturbing, huh?

I had to first get mad.  I got really mad.  I pissed on everyone who was trying to be positive by suggesting that perhaps it was too early.  Sorry if you were in my line of fire.  I believe one of my nicer responses was, “Sorry, but I’ve had my fill of false hope over the past two weeks.  Thanks anyway.”  I cried the ugly cry where I gagged and snotted.  I got mad at God for forgetting about me.  (I know that this isn’t the case, but when you are in the moment, it’s a very lonely place to be.)

Then, I had enough.  I came to the realization that perhaps God was listening.  There was a reason that these two little embryos didn’t grow.  That reason had nothing to do with me.  My doctor assures me that everything went perfectly.  Some embryos JUST.  DON’T.  GROW.  I have been mourning their loss.  Its a hard pill to swallow when you let yourself get so wrapped up in the possibilities.  I loved them already.  I actually read to them every night.

I told them all about the amazing things they would do when they finally came out to meet the world.

But, it’s going to be okay.

I have been profoundly blessed with the most wonderful group of family and friends.  I have the best fan club a girl could ask for.  I can assure you that it wasn’t for lack of prayer or love on anyone’s part, that this didn’t work out.  That, I will promise you.  There was so much love.

Dr. D suggested that we go right into another cycle, that is, if we are up to it.  He says that he doesn’t want to do anything differently this time around and that it makes no difference in pregnancy rates to do back to back cycles.   I am a teacher, so being aggressive over the summer works out nicely for me.  Plus, I have more snowbabies who need me to grow them.  So, of course, I will step up and do it all over again.

I’ve been nursing a broken heart.  Now it’s time to nurse my sore hiney and get back into the saddle.  Giddeyup.  Lupron starts tomorrow.

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About Funny Little Pollywogs

I live life. My passions fuel me. I am thankful each and every day for all of the love that surrounds me. My hobbies are photography, writing and I am currently building a dollhouse. I have been on the road to motherhood for 6 long years. I hope that I will have my children in my arms some day soon, thanks to the very special gift of embryo adoption.
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14 Responses to Negative, aka: The Blog Post I’ve been NOT Wanting to Write

  1. Kristi says:

    I am truly sorry to hear about your recent heartache. I admire your spirit and your go-getter attitude!! Your future baby is sure going to be one lucky snowflake!!!!!!
    I am rooting for you.

  2. Karen Snyder says:

    Lacie – I am so sorry but so glad to hear you will not let this stop you. I am sure the decision to jump right back in does not come easily. You, Michael and the “snowflakes” are in our thoughts and prayers. Take care! Love you guys – Karen and Scott

  3. Amandalynn says:

    I am so very sad to hear this, and even though it may have been miserable taking the time to grieve first allows us to move on, so I’m glad to see that you gave yourself that time. In inspired by your rallied spirits, best wishes for round 2!

  4. jessica says:

    {{{HUGS}}} I am so sorry that this cycle did not work. Praying for you as you begin another cycle.

  5. Jennifer says:

    I’m sorry to hear that your BETA was negative, but am excited that you’ll be having another FET in July. There are several of us embryo adoption bloggers who will be having July transfers – Praying that there will be lots of pregnancies next month! 🙂

  6. Robin Gainer says:

    I am crying with U my Baby Girl. You R the bravest WOMAN I know. I love U!
    Get those CHEEKS healed quickly…round #2 on the way!
    Love MoM

  7. jensadoptionblessings says:

    I’m so sorry, sweetie!!! Praying July works out!!!

    Hugs!!!

  8. snowflakemommy says:

    I’m so sorry for your losses

  9. Briana's Mom says:

    I have tears in my eyes. I am so devastated for you. I’m so, so sorry. It is just heartbreaking.

    I think you know that I miscarried back in April. I didn’t share on my blog that I went through a frozen cycle of IVF because I had embryos from my IVF back in 2005. My doctor implanted three embryos. One took – that is why I became pregnant. I heard the baby’s heartbeat up until 8 weeks, but I still miscarried. I can feel your pain right now.

    I’m proud of you for not giving up. You have amazing strength. I hope you know that. Hugs…

  10. shannon r says:

    My heart breaks to read this. I will be praying for strength and courage as you get ready for July. (((HUGS)))

  11. Tammy says:

    Oh sweetie, I’m so very, very sorry. This wasn’t the post I wanted to read. 😦 I’m thinking of you so much. (((HUGS)))

  12. Missy says:

    oh Lace… I am so sorry, but I have to say you are so amazing and love that you are keeping on moving in the right direction…. love you! And am always always here if you want to talk, or vent or anything! Keeping you in my heart always!

    Missy

  13. Jackiee Laukhuff says:

    Lace, I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how you must feel but we are all here for you and you know this. Whatever it takes i know you’ll be a great mother. Love you! Oh, and if you ever need an emergency injection and jill can’t make it, gimme a call!!!!

  14. athena says:

    To our Giddyup Girl………….
    This is why you are mother to so many embryos – because of your tenaciousness, strong desire to parent, lots of love to give and one hell of a swell ass to poke.
    We love you so Lacie – our children are your children – they all come from the same place.
    Stay strong, stay positive. It isn’t if it happens, only when.
    Love to you and Michael.
    Athena, Drew, Ellia and Evan

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