Looking In

There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods.  As I approach it, I am smiling.  I can see the warm glow from within.  There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting.  I am drawn to the chateau.  Its magical and charming.  Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside.  I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it.  But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside.  Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious.   But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter.  I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try.

There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key.  I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time.  Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear.  I think, “This is it!  This MUST be it!”  I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau.  I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact.  I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest.  “This is it!”  I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing.  Not a click left or right.  Nothing.

I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in.  In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe,  I feel most alone.  The rain is picking up and I am glad.  This way, they won’t see my tears.  I can see most of the women I know inside.  They are all there.  My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside.  I can watch them enjoy the warmth.  I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am.  If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person.  I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been  granted entry.  I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops.  “Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.

Clearly they want me to enter.  Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in.   I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me.    And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could.  But they cannot.  I am on the outside looking in.  I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t.  I just don’t have it in me.  My shoulders slump and I shake and sob.  For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right.  It has become apart of who they are.  It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait.  Alone.

I tried to do my best to describe what it feels like for those of us who are patiently waiting to become mothers.  I hope I did it justice.    This was exactly where I was yesterday.  It’s a dark and lonely place to be.  Things are looking a little better today, I can see a tiny ray of sunshine trying to peek through the clouds.

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About Funny Little Pollywogs

I live life. My passions fuel me. I am thankful each and every day for all of the love that surrounds me. My hobbies are photography, writing and I am currently building a dollhouse. I have been on the road to motherhood for 6 long years. I hope that I will have my children in my arms some day soon, thanks to the very special gift of embryo adoption.
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17 Responses to Looking In

  1. Megan says:

    I just found you through another embryo adoption blog. I am always looking to connect to others who are fellow embie adopt mommies or are pursuing it.I have a 7 month old son conceived from donor embryos.I welcome you to follow our story and I look forward to following yours. -Megan

  2. Laura says:

    What an amazing and true picture of what this journey feels like – you a re a great writer! I’m hoping and praying you will be let into that chateau very soon!! Love, Laura

  3. Liz W. says:

    Beautiful, just beautiful.

  4. Briana's Mom says:

    That was so amazingly beautiful. You painted a perfect picture. I stood outside that chateau door for many, many years. Some of the people in the chateau looked out the windows and some unfortunately never looked out. I hope you get to enter that door very, very soon. Just know I have my hand on that window. Thinking of you.

  5. Shannon Jankovec says:

    Lacie, I remember that feeling all to well. If I could kick down that door for you, I would. My hand is on the glass too. You will get there. Your heart is so open to this, it will happen.

    Love you,
    Shannon

  6. Karaleen says:

    So well written and so very true. IF really does rock women to the core of who they are…it messes with a natural instinct that cannot just be turned off or grown out of. I too knew this feeling well…I did everything in my power to bust through that door…and I know you are too. I will be waiting for you on the inside….
    kd

  7. Erika says:

    Lacie — Well said girly! It made me cry, its a feeling that I am all too familar with…… you described it perfectly.

    Love & Hugs,
    E

  8. Jen says:

    Lacie you are such an AMAZING write this was breathtaking!!! Thinking of you often and praying for you Love you lots 🙂

  9. Anna says:

    Wow. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and I’m amazed at how well you expressed everything we feel. Thank you for sharing this.

  10. Jen says:

    Lacie, that’s just beautiful. You should send it to Stepping Stones or Resolve or something for their newsletter.

  11. Lacie,
    This was so beautifully written. Its a perfect explanation, and I remember it so well. As someone who was finally allowed “in,” I am desperately trying to figure out how to get you here as well. Keep trying, keep asking questions, keep going. I’ve always said you were special, and I still believe that you were meant to go on this journey because of how you embrace all of the journeys in your life. If anyone was meant to tell the world about it, its you. And perhaps you were meant to experience it because the issue needed your passion to raise awareness. I know you will not stop until you find those answers…and when you do… you’ll be paving the way for millions of others who have also been looking for a way in.
    I am with you all the way.
    Ally

  12. Britney says:

    I’m only inferring from this post that perhaps your beta was negative. If that is the case, I’m heartbroken. I was praying for you earnestly that you would get a positive and there would be a joyous posting announcing your pregnancy. I’m so very sorry if that is not the case. I ache with you.

  13. Robin Gainer says:

    So beautifully written. My heart could never be sadder then it is right now for you. I cry when you cry, I always have. There is only one thing I can add to this testament and that is…giving birth does NOT define the women that you are and always will be. There are children out there of all ages, from newborn to teens that need a mom. THERE is already one out there for you. And hopefully someday soon the two of you will meet. You will be a really GREAT MOM, your child will be the luckiest to have you. I love you. Always ready to hold & hug you.
    MOM

  14. VCP says:

    I broke down in tears at reading this. I’m with you on the outside and I’d give you a hug if I could.

  15. Sarah DeMaria says:

    Ok, so when you turn your blog into a book, I call dibs on being your editor, ok? Our thoughts and prayers are with you darling.

  16. Pingback: This calls for an investigation. | Funny Little Pollywogs

  17. Amber says:

    This is the most amazing post I have ever read. Seriously. I felt this exact feeling so many times over the course of our struggles and never could find the words to express it so clearly. You are so talented and have given the world of infertility a gift by writing this! It brought tears to my eyes and reminds me of how hard this process can be.

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